10 years ago, I was a freshman in high school. Looking back at that point in my life as an adult is quite surreal to say the least. My own memories of the time have become hazier with each passing day and yet looking back at old social media accounts that almost completely archived that entire experience brings back so many memories that are both vividly clear and horribly fractured. What's worse is that my memories of college, a time that was so recent in my life, is starting to become fractured and hazy too as I become more wrapped up in the humdrum of my own life. The ideals, the dreams, the goals that I once held so near and dear to my heart have long since been tossed aside for reasons I still try to justify to myself in the present day and present time.

When I was 19, I read Goodnight Punpun for the first time and I was completely taken aback by the sheer intensity of the work. As such, it still holds a huge place in my heart to this day. Reading it for the first time as an adult in his mid 20s however gave me a much deeper perspective of the manga that I'm not sure I ever wanted to have. The manga became much more intense because it cut much closer to home than I ever anticipated. By the time I finished reading it, I genuinely didn't know how to feel about it. Programmes like BoJack Horseman that I've watched since reading this manga for the first time have made me come to terms with the parts of myself that I never wanted to acknowledge. However, the show itself no matter how dark and brutal it got still had this hopeful (though indeed quite melancholy) undertone that still made it palatable to watch even in the thick of some of the show's most intense moments. Goodnight Punpun on the other hand was thoroughly bleak and unrelenting in its portrayal of the human mind's worst attributes. Though you wouldn't be able to tell that if you read its first volume.

The manga at its beginning starts off as a surreal and macabre slice-of-life comedy telling the story of a boy named Punpun Punyama along with some of his friends that we'll be following for the duration of the manga's runtime. At this point in his life, Punpun is still a child but he's old enough to process and internalise the trauma that he's been through at that point in time. Nevertheless, there's this oddly optimistic tone that this volume carries where Punpun is thinking about all the things he could become when he's an adult. A new student transfers to his class, a girl named Aiko Tanaka who has a similar disposition to Punpun: old enough to internalise trauma, but still hopeful for the future. In fact, there's one key difference between the two that fuels their dynamic - Punpun is passive but Aiko is assertive and unapologetic. It's this memory of Aiko that brands itself into the deepest parts of Punpun's mind for the rest of his life.

This point in the manga also highlights another struggle that Punpun faces for the rest of the story: cowardice. Many points in the manga show Punpun fall prey to circumstances that to an outside party, would seem to be out of his control. To Punpun however, he views himself as a coward for not speaking up or not defying the odds to make his dreams come true. When his mother was hospitalised on the day he tried to run away with Aiko to Kagoshima, he viewed himself as a coward for not being able to sneak away and be with the girl of his dreams. When he and Aiko reunite briefly in middle school during a badminton tournament and she tells him what she really wants in a boyfriend, he viewed himself as a coward for not being able to forsake everything in order to be with this girl who he loved for so long. When Sachi, the woman he had this on again/off again relationship with wanted a kiss before having sex, Punpun viewed himself as a coward for breaking down at that moment when he had a flashback to his first kiss with Aiko.

This recurring theme of cowardice haunts Punpun throughout middle school and high school and continues following him as he's an adult in his 20s. At this point in time, he's a bitter and self-loathing adult whose memories of someone he hasn't seen since childhood caused him to move to another city altogether in some vain hope of trying to find this manic pixie dream girl. If he couldn't find her, he'd just kill himself and let his memory fade away from the minds of others. Fortunately for him, he did have another chance encounter with Aiko as an adult. There's just one small problem though: this woman, who looks like Aiko, sounds like her, and feels like her does NOT match up with the Aiko Tanaka he knew personally all those years ago. She isn't Aiko, she's just another stupid, vapid slut who bears her resemblance.

Then it all comes to a head: Punpun has this clash of ideals where he realises just how far he fell from the goals and aspirations he set for himself when he was younger. Talking about shit he doesn't care about, going to trendy cafes that he has no interest in, laughing at jokes that aren't funny... this isn't Punpun nor is this Aiko. It doesn't take long for the walls to finally break as they both confide in each other about the miserable lives they've both been living up to that point. Taking comfort in each other's company and Punpun feeling the grasp of his cowardice slowly loosen, they resolve to finally run away to Kagoshima. There's just one final obstacle to overcome: Aiko's mother.

Then enters Chapter 113. MAL will most likely take this review down if I spoil what happens, but let's just say that it isn't pretty. With nothing left to lose, Punpun and Aiko finally set off with one another but now there's a new problem: this isn't the future he ever imagined having with her.

To paraphrase what Hiding in Public said in his review of the manga - if Punpun hated himself when he was a coward, he now absolutely despised himself when he was finally brave. That passivity that he engendered all throughout his childhood and adolescence was the barrier that kept him from truly facing the awful depths of his psyche along with what he was truly capable of and now he has to live with the consequences of his own actions. With Aiko by his side, they're now on the run like Matty Healy and Chelsea Schuchman in the music video for Robbers by The 1975. This fantasy of running away to Kagoshima is now a road movie, and their relationship further devolves.

Punpun finally had Aiko all to himself. He had finally forsaken everything to be with the woman that he loved so dearly, and still that wasn't enough to satisfy him. He became Aiko's personal daruma doll, sacrificing his own eye as a pledge of loyalty to her but that still wasn't enough. She was the only person that Punpun had left as he had always wanted, and despite wanting this fate from the very beginning, he felt selfish when he wanted more. Eventually, Punpun comes to the grave realisation that he may never truly see the stars as brightly as he once did with Aiko in his childhood during that Tanabata night so long ago. No matter how close he and Aiko can get physically and no matter how isolated they are from the rest of the world, he'll never be able to fully understand her from the top of her head to the tips of her toes with no miscommunication in between. Their minds and bodies decaying from the stress of their circumstances together would never allow that. The childhood fantasy turned road movie is ultimately shattered and Punpun is left devastated and more alone than he ever was before.

Musing on what life would've been like if the circumstances hadn't been what they turned out like, Punpun resolves to commit one final act of bravery that inevitably gets interrupted by Sachi - the woman he abandoned for Aiko. As punishment for his transgressions, Punpun now faces a fate much worse than death but one much more fulfilling: the chance of a new life - one where his sins are forgiven, but not forgotten. A peaceful life where he's of help and use to the people around him, but a it's a life where he won't ever fade away from the memories of his peers despite his wishes to the contrary. Sachi won't ever let him be a coward, but that doesn't mean she'll let him be brave either. The manga ends where it began: with another transfer student introducing herself to the class and another boy taken in by this newcomer. The cycle continues, but maybe this time, the outcome will be different.

There genuinely is so much more that I could talk about as far as the manga is concerned, but I couldn't possibly fit all of the minutiae I wanted to touch upon. To be absolutely clear: there's WAY more this manga has to offer than Punpun and Aiko's fucked up relationship, but that relationship itself is the centrepiece for Punpun's entire character arc. I can't lie when I say that I saw myself a bit too closely in Punpun, especially when it came down to Punpun and Aiko's dynamic. I'm not gonna pretend like my life was a 1:1 copy of Punpun's because that's obviously false, but still - self-loathing because of perceived cowardice, obsessing over past relationships and ultimately becoming disillusioned with the reality of the situations at hand, it's pretty hard to ignore.

This entire manga told from the perspective of a boy, following his life's journey through adolescence and early adulthood was ultimately one of the most harrowing coming-of-age stories ever written. At some points in the manga's run, it felt more like torture porn than anything else but make no mistake, ceaseless angst and pessimsim aren't the only thing this manga has to offer. Even in its most depraved, cynical, and bleakest moments, there are still little glimmers of light that shine through. Uncle Yuichi even says it himself - happiness is ephemeral, so you better enjoy it while it lasts.

When I first read this manga five years ago, it left me shocked and ultimately hopeless. This time around, I still feel the same way but finishing BoJack Horseman before rereading Punpun didn't leave me anywhere near as hopeless as I felt back then. With all of that said, I leave you with BoJack and Diane's final words: life's a bitch and then you die, but sometimes life's a bitch and you keep on living.

Anyway, that's all for now. Feedback's always welcome and with that, I'm out. Peace.

***

Before I go, I wanna give a shoutout to Hiding in Public. Your videos on Goodnight Punpun really did give me the impetus to reread it and actually get my thoughts out on pen and paper. If you haven't watched his videos, I'll link em below. Be warned, for there are spoilers abound:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewfEOUxUd0g
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ2M8sQElXM

Also check out Under the Scope's video as well
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV32-MlqF0Q

Also, go watch BoJack Horseman if you haven't already! Some standout clips come to mind
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1_EBSlnDlU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36uJtc1CV0k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDdmBKP2uvk